Do you wish you could return to a moment from your past?
Nightly Reruns
“Be bold! Do what you want! Even if you make a mistake or say something you shouldn't have, no one else cares that much. It’ll be forgotten about within days.”
This type of advice never worked on me. Even if no one else cares, the amount that I care overrides any common sense the quote is trying to instill. I may have the memory of a goldfish, but one thing I’ll never forget is my embarrassing moments, whether from yesterday or five years ago.
Late at night, when I should’ve fallen asleep ages ago, I lay vulnerable to my overthinking. Cursed memories and the (much more pressing) need to sleep wrestle for control in my head. Somehow, the cursed memories usually win.
I sink lower into the folds of my comforter thinking, naively, that dreams are within reach but–
Remember the days when you used to say XD every two texts? Or when you forgot how to write your own name the first time you saw your Chinese teacher in 3 years? That girl you met at summer camp 2 years ago definitely thought you were laughing like a robot. Oh my god, the entirety of Subbie year. I swear I was joking when I made that comment to my teacher, but she looked mortified. Am I that bad at sarcasm? Does she hate me? How did my ears have the audacity to not hear him say “How are you?” five whole times? The rest is censored for my sake, not yours.
I stay, unfortunately, much too conscious. My mind ricochets faster than a ping pong ball at the Olympics, and even behind closed eyes I can tell my cheeks are flaming. Turning off the lights and laying my head down on my pillow seems to trigger the floodgates every night; every shameful era of my life from age 7 crashes into me in an instant.
But if I had the chance, would I go back and fix all of these embarrassing moments? I don’t think so. My reasons aren’t something noble like “all those moments have shaped who I am today!” I’m sure I’d be the same without a couple of humiliating trips and fumbles, but I’d probably have to rewrite my entire life if I wanted to not have a single regret. Besides, re-living middle school sounds like a nightmare.
Living without second chances is what makes every moment special. Though I might want to pull my hair out today, maybe in ten years I’ll be grateful for the horrid memories of youth seared into my brain. By paying homage to my worst falls, I’ll be able to see how far I’ve come. Each regret I have means that I’ve learned something since then.
In a lot of ways, I’m still just as awkward and clumsy as I was in Subbie year, and my nightly rerun of embarrassing moments keeps getting new acts. But that’s ok, because at least I’m not actually Subbie me in every other way. I will continue to cry over spilt milk, but knowing that it’s already spilt helps ease the pain (eventually). Slowly, I’m starting to mind myself less. I don’t think anyone lives without ever having regrets. Instead you live learning how to overcome those regrets, not by erasing them but by and looking forward.
The people I envy the most are the ones who can say silly things or make dumb mistakes, then laugh it off without batting an eye. Oh, how I wish to be nonchalant. I’m still a long ways away, but whenever I get struck with pangs of flashbacks, I remind myself I’ll get used to it one day. That if I keep making mistakes, I won’t be consumed by every little embarrassment anymore. But before then, I’ll tell myself I’m fine this way too. I’m my #1 hater, so no one else can be.
Do I stray too far from the prompt? Also, do I introduce too many different topics the last couple paragraphs?
Hi Sabrina! Really nice blog post. I can relate to what you are saying about thinking of your past actions and cringing at night 😭😭. I think you do a really good job at going personal with your essay. I like the direction you took with your essay - I don't think it strays far from the prompt. The transition between your cringing and realizing the value of these memories is really nice. I think in your last paragraph, you kind of go on a tangent and don't really leave as profound of a message like in your penultimate paragraph. Maybe you could expand on the point of "instead you live learning how to overcome those regrets" and generalize it more to the population (basically having a bigger "us" moment)?
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I really like the sentence variance and paragraph lengths. Your hook is very interesting - maybe you could explain where the quote comes from if it adds meaning.
Nice essay!!
I want to open by saying that the title is an absolute banger.
ReplyDeleteI like the way your sentences flow into each other (a small but fun example I like is the 'late at night, ... I lay vulnerable... I sink lower into the folds of my comforter'. That entire transition just works really well for me, especially the 'but-' moment. Reminds me of that one meme with the person trying to fall asleep and then the brain says some wacky stuff and the person is wide awake again. (it comes up if you looks up 'Hey you going to sleep meme')
You also use humor really well. I can't really pick an example cause it's solid all throughout, but the honesty of 'the rest is censored for my sake, not yours' is a vibe.
Honestly, this is a seriously great essay and it was genuinely fun to read. I don't have many notes (maybe just to combine your last two paragraphs and focus on wrapping the whole essay up more quickly and neatly) and, to answer your questions, I don't think it strays too far from the prompt. But also, I might be the wrong person to ask cause I think as long as you write a good essay (and you wrote a great one) and its tangential to the prompt, the value of substance sits above where it came from.
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ReplyDeleteHello Sabrina. This essay has a very compelling message about acknowledging your mistakes. We all have those moments late at night when we reflect on all the embarassing things we did in our past. You mention wanting to be able to move on from your mistakes like you see some people doing. I personally think that any reasonable person is bound to feel anxious about their mistakes in their minds. Everyone feels bad about themselves, but some people are just better at hiding their regret. Also, I wouldn't worry about straying too far from the prompt; I never try to stick to the prompts in my essays. This essay is already very reflective with a strong central theme, which is really all these personal essays need. I wouldn't say the last few paragraphs add too much extra stuff. They mostly just reiterate on things you said earlier on. One suggestion I have would be to move the part about envying those who can ignore their mistakes to a point earlier on in the essay, since it's a less ameliorating statement than the rest of the ending sentences, which actually focus on trying to feel better about your mistakes. Nice job overall!
ReplyDeleteThis was really good! I enjoyed the figurative language you used throughout. You do a good job at providing the embarrassing moments and how they have affected you. Your different perspectives on the quote are good supporting details. The last paragraphs flow well, and you don't stray away from the topic. You also try to make your experiences relatable to the reader by providing dialogue and making it conversational. I think your conclusion has a good solution. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHello Sabrina! Your essay was really fun to read. I relate to taking a while to fall asleep because of my overthinking. Just a random thought, but you could also say you are already returning to some moments of your past at night. I think you stayed on prompt for the most part. Your opening suggests a reason for why you might go back to a moment in your past. However, I would say that you could expand on your reasoning for why you chose not to return to the past. You could take one of the embarrassing moments you mentioned and include what you learned from it. The last paragraph does stray a bit; I think you could tie it back to earlier reflections more explicitly.
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